When young Rick left college with a degree in English, he immediately sought meaningful and fulfilling employment. After a few months, he gave up and became a speech writer in the White House. His first assignment was to develop a talk that tied together the relationship between yellow cake uranium, aluminum tubes, Mohammed Atta, Al-Quaida, Saddam Hussein, Nancy Pelosi, Lucifer, Ted Kennedy, and mumps, and blame it all on Bill Clinton. This task came in the form of a memo initialed by Dick Cheney. Unfortunately, Rick thought the initials “D.C.” stood for Dixie Chicks, and wrote a piece that was based on facts. The next day he was in Guantanamo in extraordinary rendition. Because of the extent of his evildoing, he was subjected to the most extreme torture available-he was strapped to a barstool and forced to listen to an entire Toby Keith album while sober. By the fifth song he was reduced to the mental equivalent of a salamander, deemed to be of no further threat, and tossed into the Atlantic. The sharks wouldn’t touch a guy in his condition, and he eventually washed ashore in the Bay of Zito. There he was discovered by the team, who were trying out their new clamdiggers. Out of gratitude for his salvation, Rick has written several movie scripts based loosely on the lives of great Zitotians, which were of course eagerly received in Hollywood. He currently serves as the team’s spiritual and sartorial advisor, as well a demonstrating the Cheney backhand. We’re pretty sure that we continue to inspire him. He also has a hot model wife that refuses to play mixed doubles with him.